The End
by Han
Summary: Set after the final episode of series 7, because I couldn't let it end like that! Feedback please! ;


The end  
Buffy sat staring into the mirror fixed on the wall. It was late, middle of  
the night kind of late, but she couldn't sleep a wink. To sleep you needed  
to feel tired but she didn't. She didn't feel tired: in fact she felt  
nothing. She was numb. The day's events still hadn't sunk in and she  
couldn't believe they'd won. She refused to believe that it was real  
because that meant admitting what Spike did. What Spike was. She gazed  
deeper into the mirror, hoping beyond hope that she would fall through the  
mirror into a world that she understood. She had never wanted this: none of  
it. Why couldn't someone else be the sodding slayer and leave her to lead  
her own life? She sighed painfully and stared down at the floor.  
"You're the one." She heard the voice she knew only too well whispering in  
her ears. She gasped as she felt a wide grin running across her face at the  
idea of being in the same room as him. Maybe she'd been wrong, maybe he'd  
got out: somehow. Gingerly she let her eyes wander up and back to the  
mirror she had been so fixated with a moment ago. Her heart stopped so  
suddenly as she saw him there. It was really him. But Vampires don't have-  
Shut up! Buffy scolded herself. She didn't want facts to spoil this moment.  
She could feel all her senses coming back to life again and no little voice  
was going to stop that.  
"Spike." She whispered. Her trembling hands gently touched the surface of  
the glass. She wanted some conformation that he was really here and that  
she would never be alone again but she couldn't bare to turn and look at  
him, feeling that if she tried to look at him he would disappear. He said  
nothing but just cocked his head to one side and smiled in the way that  
only he could. She felt her legs turn to mush and wondered why he could  
make her feel like this. What was it with her and un-dead guys? She sighed.  
This so was not the time to be going into all this. Right now all she  
wanted to concentrate on was Spike.  
"Oh Spike. You're really here. I can't believe." She paused: there was only  
one thing she wanted to say but getting the courage to say it was quite  
another thing. "I love you." She whispered for the second time that day,  
hoping that her words would make him finally understand how she felt.  
"No you don't but thank you for saying it." Buffy gasped. Not again.  
Finally she had admitted it: told him what she'd been hiding all these  
years and what did he do? Dismiss her like she was a little kid. How did he  
know what she was feeling? He had no idea how hard it was for her to  
finally tell him that she loved him. She was the slayer for god's sake.  
This wasn't what she did, or at least it shouldn't be, not after Angel- you  
would have thought she would learn her lesson. Anyone in their right mind  
would have staked Spike long ago but not her, she couldn't. Tears  
threatened to spill as she gazed back into the mirror and into Spike's  
piercing eyes.  
"Why wont you believe me?" She grunted as she clenched her fists. Why was  
this so hard? Everything in her life was so complex and impossible. He  
smiled at her in that dreamy way he had and for a second it seemed like  
maybe everything would be okay. Then she remembered: he didn't believe her.  
No amount of smiling would make that little fact go away. She turned  
angrily to where he was standing and tried to punch him: hoping that it  
would make her fell just a bit better. To her horror she felt her hand slip  
through him like he wasn't there then as she blinked she saw that he  
wasn't. Bit by bit he disappeared from her sight as she tried to hug him  
and stop him leaving her again but she fell forward through where he had  
been and landed painfully on the ground. She looked around hoping to see  
him laughing at her falling on her face but there was nothing: no one.  
"I love you!" She screamed as tears poured out of her eyes in a way she  
would never have thought possible. She pounded her fists on the floor and  
kicked with everything she had. This was what she did when things went  
wrong: she hit things, usually spike. Sure she couldn't keep a boyfriend  
but she could pound one into oblivion. Now she was alone with no one to  
beat up but herself. Why did she always do this? Push away the people that  
she loved. Angel, Riley. Spike. All he wanted to do was love her but she  
wouldn't let him, always thinking herself better than him, always  
resisting. Only in moments of weakness would she let him anywhere near her  
and then it was so easy to claim he had taken advantage, to call him all  
the names under the sun and pretend she felt nothing. If only it was that  
simple.  
"Buffy are you okay, I heard." Willow trailed off as she entered the room  
and saw her lying there on the floor: so helpless. Buffy looked up into her  
friend's kind eyes and cried harder.  
"Sorry Will, didn't mean to wake you." She sobbed as she pulled herself up  
and Willow crouched down beside her, sympathy splattered all over her face.  
"Hey," She whispered softly as they pulled together into a hug. "Come on  
Buff, what's up? We won remember? Supposed to be happy." Buffy managed a  
small smile: Willow would never understand.  
"It's nothing." She said shakily as she tried to pull away. All this  
displaying emotion was embarrassing and just so not her. She didn't do  
stuff like this. Never.  
"Come on Buffy, it's me- me and you. You can tell me. Best friend,  
remember?" Somewhere deep inside she recalled what she'd once said to  
Spike: "Spike, it's me. It's you, and it's me, and we'll get through this."  
and it made her cry more.  
"It's just." Could she tell her? Would she ever understand? "It's Spike."  
"Oh." She replied simply but when she saw Buffy's expression she realised  
that it might take a bit more than that to console her. "We'll all miss  
him, he was." It seemed Willow was searching for something positive to say  
about Spike. "He was a good guy. One of us." Buffy felt a grin spreading  
across her face despite herself when she thought how Spike would react to  
being called a 'good guy'.  
"He was, wasn't he?" A tear slid down her face. "I just. I really hate him,  
you know?"  
"Umm no, not really Buffy."  
"I hate him for doing this. Why did he have to go being all brave? I mean  
I'd only just found him again, the real him- soul and all, and now I've  
lost him forever. They all leave me but, but I really thought he was  
different, you know Will?"  
"You really felt for him didn't you?"  
"He got me, you know?"  
"And I don't?" Willow snapped but Buffy just sighed. She wasn't ready to go  
into this: not yet.  
"It's. different. Spike and I, we're the same. He got what I was about."  
"He was obsessed with you Buffy."  
"And I was obsessed with him." Buffy shouted before staring at the ground  
once more and trying to ignore the uncomfortable silence. Willow just  
stared at her, obviously expecting an explanation. "I was just better at  
hiding it than he was I suppose. Every part of him intrigued me but I never  
really understood him. I never go what he was about. He loved me so much  
but I never knew why; what did he see in me? He could have killed me if  
he'd wanted to yet he chose not to. After all of the things I did to him,  
all the things I said, he still loved me." Willow opened her mouth to  
complain. "Yes I know he was obsessed with me. I know that but that doesn't  
mean he didn't love me does it? Because he did. He loved me so much for all  
those-"  
"Stop it would you! You talk about him like he's a saint or something."  
"He's dead."  
"That doesn't make it all alright. He tried to kill you, tried to rape you-  
why can't you see that?"  
"It was different after, he changed. Changed for me. All my life I've been  
trying to change to fit in with the people around me. Be a better slayer  
for Giles, stop being a slayer for mum and you lot, be a better girlfriend  
to Angel, to Riley. All the time I tried to change to be what you wanted me  
to be yet there was one person, only one, who was willing to change for me  
and he was the one I was pushing away for all those years." Suddenly the  
words stopped and she could speak no more. Just to mention his name meant  
opening the gaping wound she felt pulsating inside her. All she wanted to  
do was curl up into a ball and feel sorry for herself and all she knew was  
that she couldn't do that when Willow was here. She had to get rid of her.  
"Will do you mind."  
"You want me to go?" Her voice was somewhere between hurt and understanding  
as she cautiously stood up. As Buffy heard the door close she crawled her  
way up onto her bed, which seemed awfully empty now it was just her. Alone,  
suddenly the full force of it all hit her, she was going to be alone  
forever. Nothing could help her and no one could heal her. Spike was gone  
but she could still feel his arms around her, still hear his harsh voice  
singing in her ear:  
"I know I should go  
But I follow you like a man possessed  
There's a traitor here beneath my breast  
And it hurts me more than you've ever guessed  
If my heart could beat, it would break my chest"  
And it wasn't real. None of it. She knew she would open her eyes and he  
wouldn't be there. Deep down she realised that when she awoke he would  
still be dead, she would still be alive and life would still be unfair. The  
darkness was closing in on her even though the first rays of sunlight were  
hitting the window. Today her world had been turned upside down and as she  
fell deep into her subconscious she felt all the feelings she had being  
mixed around in a giant pallet. Her pillow was soaked with tears and her  
heart was torn. Nothing was stable, nowhere was safe and there was only one  
thing in this world she could depend on: her love for Spike. 


End file.
